Conflict
Conflict management
After the fight..
Having a verbal conflict in a relationship often turns into heated discussions or intense arguments.
Reflecting afterward when the heat has subsided, means taking time to think about what was said and felt during the fight.
Making some written notes that give a balanced fair reflection of your differences and your agreements could be usefull to help discussions when your emotions are more under contol.
This reflection helps each person understand the other's perspectives a bit better, by learn from the experience, and finding ways to communicate more effectively in the future.
*Handouts: Home Improvement: Men in Relationship Jan 2024
Key Points: AI Summary
Guidebook for Processing Past Fights:
What is Processing?
It means discussing a past conflict calmly and from a distance, like watching a replay of a play from a balcony.
The goal is to understand each other better without rehashing the fight.
Before You Start:
Wait until both of you are calm.
Aim for greater understanding rather than focusing on facts.
Recognize that each person's perspective is valid; there’s no absolute "reality" in disagreements, only different viewpoints.
Key Barriers and Solutions:
Criticism
Antidote: Use a “Softened Start-Up” to address issues gently.
Defensiveness
Antidote: Take responsibility for your part in the situation.
Contempt
Antidote: Build a culture of appreciation to foster respect.
Stonewalling
Antidote: Practice “Psychological Self-Soothing” to manage your emotions.
The guide helps in exploring these different perspectives and easing similar conflicts in the future.
*Handouts: Home Improvement: Men in Relationship Jan 2024
Key Points: AI Summary
Fair Fighting Rules:
Know Your Feelings: Before starting a discussion, understand why you're upset.
Stick to One Issue: Focus on one topic at a time to avoid confusion.
Avoid Hurtful Language: Don’t use degrading or insulting words.
Use Words to Express Feelings: Talk about how you feel with clear language.
Take Turns Speaking: Let each person have a chance to talk without interrupting.
No Stonewalling: Don’t shut down or refuse to communicate.
No Yelling: Keep your voice calm and respectful.
Take Breaks if Needed: If things get too heated, take a time-out to cool down.
Aim for Compromise: Work towards a solution or understanding that works for both sides.
The gift of conflict
How to argue with your partner
Extract from: Owning our Struggles by Minaa B. 2023
Emotional tactics that can cause relational stress:
Guilt- tripping: Making statements that are accusatory, judgemental or shaming
Gaslighting: False narratives used to induce confusion and alter a person's reality about a situation
The silent treatment: Refusing to communicate with a person or acknowledge their presence, even when you live with them.
Emotional blackmail: Using a person's emotions to weaponize a situation or pressuring you to be compliant when you resist their demands.
Disguised hostility: Hatred and aggressiveness being expressed under the guise of friendliness or humor
Humiliation: Purposefully talking down to, making insensitive jokes, or speaking poorly about someone to their face or publicly to others.
*Handouts: Home Improvement: Men in Relationship Jan 2024
Key Points: AI Summary
Guidelines for Working Through Conflict:
Conflict is Normal: Conflict happens in all relationships. It’s how you handle it that matters.
Fair Fighting: Make sure both people are ready to talk about the issue. If one isn’t ready, wait until both can engage respectfully.
Stay Focused: Deal with current issues without bringing up past problems. Stick to one topic at a time.
Keep it Safe: Avoid using personal information as ammunition or making hurtful comments. Keep the discussion respectful.
No Winning: The goal is not to "win" but to find a solution that works for both. Winning creates losers and resentment.
Use Time-Outs Wisely: If needed, take a break to calm down but don’t use it to avoid the issue. Return to resolve the conflict.
Avoid Power Phrases: Steer clear of phrases that blame or criticize harshly, like “You always” or “It’s your fault.”
Respect Emotions: Understand that crying is a natural reaction to strong emotions. Respect each other’s feelings.
Keep Caring: Ensure that the relationship remains intact. Do not act in ways that you’ll regret later.
Recognize Both Sides: Make sure both people’s perspectives and feelings are heard and valued. Use empathy to understand each other.
Ensure Safety: Avoid any form of violence or threats. This breaks all rules and can have serious consequences.
By following these guidelines, you can manage conflicts in a healthy way that strengthens rather than damages your relationship.
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Updated: November 2023
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